dreams

I spend every single waking moment with you on my mind,
but lately you've been stealing me away in my dreams too.

I woke up this morning almost breathless because of the dream I had --
You were home. I could hold your hand and hug you and everything.
We just sat on the floor, telling stories and catching up on lost time.
You would look up at me and take my breath away
with the way your laughter danced in your eyes.

You have such happy eyes. Big, hazel, smiling eyes
with a tiny little freckle in the left one.
You're going to have the most wonderful smile lines on your face
when you grow older, and I will love them so much
because I know they formed from years of jokes and laughter.

And last, but not least, I got to hug you, and you held me again.
Is it weird that a dream can remind me of exactly how your hugs feel?
How it feels to stand right next to you and to know that
you're exactly seven inches taller and I have to stand on my toes

to get a kiss, and you have to lean down to kiss me back. 

Eventually I woke up, but that's okay. I know that soon enough,
In just 21 short months, you'll be carting me around town
and introducing me as your fiancé.

You're DEFINITELY worth the wait. :):)

Flowers from Texas

I got the sweetest little letter from my Elder today. When I opened it, a little blue flower fell out. That flower meant more to me than a dozen roses.

 But what meant the absolute most was his sweet letter. Here's some of what he wrote :)

"I love how your hand fits perfectly with mine. I love that you let me play with your long, beautiful hair and how you snuggle up to me. I love how you stand close to me and let me kiss your forehead, your cheeks, your nose, your chin, your mouth. I love when you get tired, how your voice gets soft and your eyes get heavy. I love how playing with your hair and snuggling puts you to sleep in a matter of seconds. :) I love how you love the scriptures, your Savior, and your Heavenly Father. I love hearing your sweet voice while you play your ukulele. I love how you love me as much as I love you. I love that you let me hug you from behind and kiss you. I love that you're random, happy, and you can't hold still. (ADHD) ❤️ I love your smell, your taste, how it feels to be next to you, how beautiful you are, and how sweet you sound. I love absolutely everything about you, and I love that you support me on my mission. I love how you love the gospel and won't settle for anything less.

I love you forever. ❤️"

He makes me the happiest girl alive. He is so sweet, and so good to me. What would I do without him!? :)

I know that my Redeemer lives!

I could never possibly express my love or gratitude for my Savior in words. He is my light, my king, my brother, and my best friend. When nobody else understands, He does. He knows the deepest thoughts of my heart. He accepts me in all my imperfection, and He helps me to become better every single day.

It is absolutely incredible to me that a man who lived perfectly and free of sin would take it upon Himself to bear the sins of the world. Can you imagine? Jesus had never sinned. He had never felt the darkest feelings of despair, grief, and pain. So He took upon the sins of the whole entire world all at once. Imagine the worst day of your life, whether you were sick, depressed, angry, or defeated -- Christ has been there. He experienced it. Every single pain that had ever been felt by anyone who had lived or was yet to live, He felt in the garden of Gethsemane. Jesus atoned for our sins -- He paid our debts to satisfy justice. 

And it didn't stop there. After suffering beyond measure, The Lord was taken to Calvary and hung on a cross. He was beaten, whipped, mocked, spat on, and slain. The people that Christ had come into the world to save killed him. And why did He let them do it? If He could save so many people, why couldn't He save Himself? Well, here's the thing -- He could have. But He didn't, simply because of His love for us. The Savior died for us. He rose from the grave to “become the firstfruits of them that slept” (1 Corinthians 15:20). Christ did what He did so that we could all be resurrected. He broke the bonds of death -- because of our Savior, death has no sting. Because of Jesus Christ, we will all live again.

He lives! All glory to his name!

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

Thanksgiving Turkey

I used to always worry about finding the right guy. When I was younger, I would lie awake some nights, dreaming up my perfect man and praying to God that he was out there somewhere. 

At just twelve years old, I sat down and wrote a list of qualities my future husband must have. Finding it now, it almost makes me laugh -- Jake is my idea of perfection. 

"Qualities of my future husband (2008):

- He must be a returned missionary

- He has to be weird too

- He has to take me to the temple

- He has to like college football and BYU

- He must love God and me

- He better be able to cook a turkey on Thanksgiving (I had a traumatic childhood experience. I can't even be in the room with the turkey.)

- and I really hope he's handsome."

Needless to say, I couldn't believe my eyes when I stumbled upon Jake. I don't know what it was, but I NEEDED to know him. I had never felt that way before.

We became best friends after our first conversation. All it took was a couple late night phone calls before I realized I was madly in love with everything about him. He was everything I had dreamed of and more.

After we had been dating for about five months, we both knew there was no other person we wanted to share forever with. And that's when I started to get worried -- I had never told Jake about my irrational fear of turkey. What if he didn't want to marry me because I was too afraid to cook a proper thanksgiving meal?

One night, while Jake was driving me home from his house, I confessed my fear to him. As he pulled into the driveway, he started laughing. "Mckensie," he said, "I've been cooking my family's turkey for a couple of years now. And I have to say I make a pretty mean turkey. So don't you worry about anything, my sweet girl. God had this all planned out."

So there you go. After that night, I simply could not doubt it. It just so happens that my irrational fear of not-being-a-good-wife-because-I-can't-cook-a-thanksgiving-turkey led me to find the most perfect man in the whole world. And good heavens, am I excited for our first thanksgiving together. I'll be thanking Heavenly Father for my hot turkey-cookin RM.

"Yes it is worth it. Now be strong."

I can't convey in words how directly these words from Elder Holland hit me.

It is a widely known fact among the human race that Jeffery R. Holland is the greatest orator to ever roam planet earth. He has the magnificent ability to speak in scripture, convey his most intangible thoughts into words, and even make grown men tremble. I have the utmost love and respect for Elder Holland. I will also admit that every time it's his turn to speak in general conference, I pay extra special attention. He is simply wonderful!

Today, I sat down to watch Elder Holland's most recent talk from this past conference weekend. He spoke of how Christlike love is the greatest need we have on this planet, and that we, as Latter-Day Saints, need to try our best to show it. He went on to speak of how difficult it is to stand up for our standards, but that we NEED to. "Defend your beliefs with courtesy and compassion... but defend them." At this point, I was already blown away by his talk. He could have stopped there, and left me with yet another flawless, powerful talk -- but he didn't. In conclusion, he encouraged us to endure to the end, saying, "Yes, it is worth it. Now be strong."

Now, to explain why these words had such a lasting impact on me:

Every day for the past week, I was feeling very discouraged about things. Jake had been gone for what felt like forever, yet we were only two months in. I had nights where I would just cry and cry, telling myself that we weren't going to make it for two years -- so many of my friends had been written off by their missionary recently. I have no doubt that Jake and I are meant to be. Absolutely no doubt in my mind. But at some points, I just don't know how to get by without him.

"Yes, it is worth it." Answer number one to something I had been praying about. I had been begging my Heavenly Father to reassure me that I was going to make it through this journey. "I can't lose my best friend. Please, God, let me know that everything will be okay." And of course, my loving Heavenly Father spoke to me in a way I would understand most -- right through one of my favorite apostles. Elder Holland may have only said those simple five words, "yes, it is worth it," but I heard a thousand different words of comfort. "Mckensie, you will be tested, you will have lonely nights, you will want to give up. But don't you dare ever give up, because look how far you've made it. Think of all the amazing blessings you are receiving from this trial. Yes, it is worth it."

"Be strong." This said a thousand different things to me. This said, find hope, read your scriptures, build yourself up, talk to your Heavenly Father, strengthen your relationship with Christ, be the best supporter of your missionary. There is no reason for me not to be strong, when I have my angels lifting me up left and right.

If theres one thing I've learned recently, that is that it is okay to cry. It's okay to seek help from Heavenly Father. In fact, we should. In our trials, we need to seek our God and grow closer to him. If you're having a rough day, don't shut down; open yourself up to your loving Heavenly Father. He hears and answers all of our prayers. Yes, it is worth it. You can make it through, no matter what your trial is, when you have God on your side. Now, do your part, and be strong.