new year, same guy

Again, I'm so sorry. I really suck at keeping up with a blog.

It's almost been eleven months since Jake has been on his mission, and exactly a year since I've seen him. I miss him so much. I love him MORE THAN EVER. I am learning to love him in so many different ways, and our relationship has matured exponentially since he left.

Our relationship was never ever a bad thing. Jake and I have never fought or had any problems (I know, I got really lucky). Don't get me wrong -- we're both imperfect people and we're both human -- we've made mistakes. But never has our relationship been bad. We have both matured so much over this last year, and it's just amazing to watch as the whole dynamic of our relationship has changed, yet the love hasn't.

My first semester of college has come and gone, along with all the college boys. I did date around a little, and even ended up dating one guy for a while -- but only a short while. Why? Because once I screwed my head on straight, I realized I didn't want to ever be with anyone else besides my sweet Jake. Do I regret dating in college? Certainly not. I truly believe it helped me stay sane. It built me up and showed me my own strengths (and unfortunately, my weaknesses) -- I got to know myself better. I learned a lot. But most of all, dating helped me realize the things I love and appreciate most in Jake. I didn't realize that some of the things that Jake does for me are things that no other boy would ever do. I love him so much. He really is my best friend and I never want to be with anyone else.

That's the best part about falling in love with someone. If you love them the right way, you will never be alone. You always share your problems with them, and their problems become yours as well. You have a best friend by your side NO MATTER WHAT. Love, if it is true, is unconditional, wonderful, and such a blessing. I love being in love.

Last year I was sitting side by side with Jake on his living room couch playing scrabble on his moms iPad. I remember last year so well. He was playing with my hair and sneaking in kisses when his family wasn't paying attention. He lent me some of his (mismatched) socks because my feet were freezing. We sat as close together as we could. We had football on the TV and the Christmas tree lit -- it was so cozy. Five minutes to midnight, we went outside and banged on pots and pans and I got my new year's kiss (even in front of his parents!!) and it was just so much fun. I can't wait for more new year's eves like that one.

Yeah, so anyways. I guess my New Year's resolution would be to be a better girlfriend. I feel so inadequate having a guy like Jake to keep up with -- he makes me feel like the most special girl in the world. I love him to pieces. I'm going to be more consistent with my letters and emails, try harder to show him how much I love him, and (obviously) not date. Hehe :) I love my sweet boy. I started this year with him, and I'm ending it with him -- how happy is that?? And I plan on starting and ending every single year with him for the rest of my life. <3

These three pictures sum up our entire relationship:

eight months, two weeks

Hi. I'm ashamed of myself. Blogging should not be this hard.

I'm in college now! It's a fun time. I have made so many friends and gone on so many adventures. It's the greatest. If you want a good college experience, seriously consider BYU-Hawaii. I can't even begin to tell how great it is to be here. You get to surf, swim with sea turtles and dolphins and stingrays and ALLLL kinds of sea creatures, jump off of really tall rocks, sleep on the beach, go to bonfires, but most of all, meet some really freaking awesome people. On top of all that, the temple is only about 200 feet away and you can go whenever you want. Life here is totally rad.

Here's a turtle.

Anyway.

I kind of wish I could go back and delete some of my previous posts. I have a completely different mindset now than I did four months ago. I have been dating, and I now see WHY everyone tells you to date. You can't hole up and be miserable for two years!! Dating can help you develop yourself, work on your shortcomings and improve your strengths.
Sorry if I sound totally bipolar-crazy-psycho. I think I'm just a little more reasonable now than I was at the beginning of Jake's mission. :)

Don't get me wrong -- I'm still just as in love with Jake as I was eight months and two weeks ago. Actually, that's a lie. I love him 100000x more now. Here's the deal: he's changing a lot and so am I. It doesn't mean that I love him any less or that he loves me any less, it just means that we're learning to love each other in different ways.

I'm taking a class called "Achieving Eternal Marriage." Laugh all you want, but it's a darn good class. ;) While my professor was lecturing on how to choose an eternal companion, how to know when you've found the right one -- I couldn't stop thinking of Jake. I know he's the right one for me. He rocks.

These last three months I've dated, I've been (informally) proposed to, I've hung out with a lot of guys, but nobody even comes close to my Jake. I miss him so much, but I know the wait will be worth it. :) 15 months to go!

update: 5 months going strong!

I realized that in the past month I have completely neglected my blog. And to the handful of people who actually read my blog -- I'm terribly sorry. Life in Utah has been crazy busy! I'm working full time, taking online classes, and training for a half marathon next month. Sheesh. Being a grown-up sucks.

Let me just start by saying IGNORE MY LAST POST COMPLETELY. I was hormonal, I had just got done watching the notebook and wanted someone to love me. hehe :) I am doing amazing. Waiting is honestly the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's also a piece of cake. My very loving heavenly father is blessing me more than ever. I am simply in love with life! Jake and I have strengthened our relationship leaps and bounds already. I absolutely love him with all of my heart, and I forever will.

I check the mail twice a day. It's a horrible, horrible habit. But once a week, usually between Thursday and Saturday, a handwritten letter makes it's way from San Antonio to my mailbox, and I get to sit out on the porch and just soak in his words. And that is enough. I used to be so worried that I would fall "out of love" with Jake because our only communication is through letters and emails. Oh, how wrong I was. I have only managed to fall deeper in love with the Christlike, wonderful man he is.

The transformation that I have seen Jake go through in less than 5 months is absolutely incredible. He is the most selfless, loving person. He's so strong. I am amazed at the man he is becoming. He exemplifies Christ in everything he does. Every time I'm upset or have a problem, he finds a scripture or something that makes me feel completely better. I am so lucky to have him!

asdfhhkalamgsk (my feelings)

Okay I honestly don't know if anyone even reads my blog, but I need to vent somewhere. I seriously have no one to talk to right now.

People are pushing me left and right to date around. And I miss Jake really bad. I honestly want him here so bad right now so he could comfort me and tell me I don't have to listen to anyone's opinion. Seriously though, I just curled up in a ball and cried. Hahaha I'm such a baby. I really really REALLY wish it was 2016. I miss having my hand held and being kissed but I know I wouldn't feel comfortable or even want to do that with anyone else.

I really miss my Jake.

one day

one day you will meet somebody

and fall in love with the way they walk,

how their eyes light up when they're happy

and how they speak your name

one day you will find someone so unlike

everyone else that's come before

you'll be afraid to start things because

you never want them to end

one day you'll spend hours talking 

about anything, nothing, and everything,

and out of nowhere, you will realize

that you have completely fallen for him 

one day there's going to be the 

perfect first kiss, the long silences 

on phone calls, ten minute hugs, and

whispered late night conversations

one day you're going to be half asleep

on his couch and you'll hear him

lean down and softly whisper those

three words for the thousandth time 

and one day, you will come to know

that you don't want to spend your

forever with anybody else. it will

happen, I promise

and there is nothing more wonderful.

dreams

I spend every single waking moment with you on my mind,
but lately you've been stealing me away in my dreams too.

I woke up this morning almost breathless because of the dream I had --
You were home. I could hold your hand and hug you and everything.
We just sat on the floor, telling stories and catching up on lost time.
You would look up at me and take my breath away
with the way your laughter danced in your eyes.

You have such happy eyes. Big, hazel, smiling eyes
with a tiny little freckle in the left one.
You're going to have the most wonderful smile lines on your face
when you grow older, and I will love them so much
because I know they formed from years of jokes and laughter.

And last, but not least, I got to hug you, and you held me again.
Is it weird that a dream can remind me of exactly how your hugs feel?
How it feels to stand right next to you and to know that
you're exactly seven inches taller and I have to stand on my toes

to get a kiss, and you have to lean down to kiss me back. 

Eventually I woke up, but that's okay. I know that soon enough,
In just 21 short months, you'll be carting me around town
and introducing me as your fiancé.

You're DEFINITELY worth the wait. :):)

Flowers from Texas

I got the sweetest little letter from my Elder today. When I opened it, a little blue flower fell out. That flower meant more to me than a dozen roses.

 But what meant the absolute most was his sweet letter. Here's some of what he wrote :)

"I love how your hand fits perfectly with mine. I love that you let me play with your long, beautiful hair and how you snuggle up to me. I love how you stand close to me and let me kiss your forehead, your cheeks, your nose, your chin, your mouth. I love when you get tired, how your voice gets soft and your eyes get heavy. I love how playing with your hair and snuggling puts you to sleep in a matter of seconds. :) I love how you love the scriptures, your Savior, and your Heavenly Father. I love hearing your sweet voice while you play your ukulele. I love how you love me as much as I love you. I love that you let me hug you from behind and kiss you. I love that you're random, happy, and you can't hold still. (ADHD) ❤️ I love your smell, your taste, how it feels to be next to you, how beautiful you are, and how sweet you sound. I love absolutely everything about you, and I love that you support me on my mission. I love how you love the gospel and won't settle for anything less.

I love you forever. ❤️"

He makes me the happiest girl alive. He is so sweet, and so good to me. What would I do without him!? :)

I know that my Redeemer lives!

I could never possibly express my love or gratitude for my Savior in words. He is my light, my king, my brother, and my best friend. When nobody else understands, He does. He knows the deepest thoughts of my heart. He accepts me in all my imperfection, and He helps me to become better every single day.

It is absolutely incredible to me that a man who lived perfectly and free of sin would take it upon Himself to bear the sins of the world. Can you imagine? Jesus had never sinned. He had never felt the darkest feelings of despair, grief, and pain. So He took upon the sins of the whole entire world all at once. Imagine the worst day of your life, whether you were sick, depressed, angry, or defeated -- Christ has been there. He experienced it. Every single pain that had ever been felt by anyone who had lived or was yet to live, He felt in the garden of Gethsemane. Jesus atoned for our sins -- He paid our debts to satisfy justice. 

And it didn't stop there. After suffering beyond measure, The Lord was taken to Calvary and hung on a cross. He was beaten, whipped, mocked, spat on, and slain. The people that Christ had come into the world to save killed him. And why did He let them do it? If He could save so many people, why couldn't He save Himself? Well, here's the thing -- He could have. But He didn't, simply because of His love for us. The Savior died for us. He rose from the grave to “become the firstfruits of them that slept” (1 Corinthians 15:20). Christ did what He did so that we could all be resurrected. He broke the bonds of death -- because of our Savior, death has no sting. Because of Jesus Christ, we will all live again.

He lives! All glory to his name!

He lives, my Savior, still the same.

Oh, sweet the joy this sentence gives:

"I know that my Redeemer lives!"

Thanksgiving Turkey

I used to always worry about finding the right guy. When I was younger, I would lie awake some nights, dreaming up my perfect man and praying to God that he was out there somewhere. 

At just twelve years old, I sat down and wrote a list of qualities my future husband must have. Finding it now, it almost makes me laugh -- Jake is my idea of perfection. 

"Qualities of my future husband (2008):

- He must be a returned missionary

- He has to be weird too

- He has to take me to the temple

- He has to like college football and BYU

- He must love God and me

- He better be able to cook a turkey on Thanksgiving (I had a traumatic childhood experience. I can't even be in the room with the turkey.)

- and I really hope he's handsome."

Needless to say, I couldn't believe my eyes when I stumbled upon Jake. I don't know what it was, but I NEEDED to know him. I had never felt that way before.

We became best friends after our first conversation. All it took was a couple late night phone calls before I realized I was madly in love with everything about him. He was everything I had dreamed of and more.

After we had been dating for about five months, we both knew there was no other person we wanted to share forever with. And that's when I started to get worried -- I had never told Jake about my irrational fear of turkey. What if he didn't want to marry me because I was too afraid to cook a proper thanksgiving meal?

One night, while Jake was driving me home from his house, I confessed my fear to him. As he pulled into the driveway, he started laughing. "Mckensie," he said, "I've been cooking my family's turkey for a couple of years now. And I have to say I make a pretty mean turkey. So don't you worry about anything, my sweet girl. God had this all planned out."

So there you go. After that night, I simply could not doubt it. It just so happens that my irrational fear of not-being-a-good-wife-because-I-can't-cook-a-thanksgiving-turkey led me to find the most perfect man in the whole world. And good heavens, am I excited for our first thanksgiving together. I'll be thanking Heavenly Father for my hot turkey-cookin RM.

"Yes it is worth it. Now be strong."

I can't convey in words how directly these words from Elder Holland hit me.

It is a widely known fact among the human race that Jeffery R. Holland is the greatest orator to ever roam planet earth. He has the magnificent ability to speak in scripture, convey his most intangible thoughts into words, and even make grown men tremble. I have the utmost love and respect for Elder Holland. I will also admit that every time it's his turn to speak in general conference, I pay extra special attention. He is simply wonderful!

Today, I sat down to watch Elder Holland's most recent talk from this past conference weekend. He spoke of how Christlike love is the greatest need we have on this planet, and that we, as Latter-Day Saints, need to try our best to show it. He went on to speak of how difficult it is to stand up for our standards, but that we NEED to. "Defend your beliefs with courtesy and compassion... but defend them." At this point, I was already blown away by his talk. He could have stopped there, and left me with yet another flawless, powerful talk -- but he didn't. In conclusion, he encouraged us to endure to the end, saying, "Yes, it is worth it. Now be strong."

Now, to explain why these words had such a lasting impact on me:

Every day for the past week, I was feeling very discouraged about things. Jake had been gone for what felt like forever, yet we were only two months in. I had nights where I would just cry and cry, telling myself that we weren't going to make it for two years -- so many of my friends had been written off by their missionary recently. I have no doubt that Jake and I are meant to be. Absolutely no doubt in my mind. But at some points, I just don't know how to get by without him.

"Yes, it is worth it." Answer number one to something I had been praying about. I had been begging my Heavenly Father to reassure me that I was going to make it through this journey. "I can't lose my best friend. Please, God, let me know that everything will be okay." And of course, my loving Heavenly Father spoke to me in a way I would understand most -- right through one of my favorite apostles. Elder Holland may have only said those simple five words, "yes, it is worth it," but I heard a thousand different words of comfort. "Mckensie, you will be tested, you will have lonely nights, you will want to give up. But don't you dare ever give up, because look how far you've made it. Think of all the amazing blessings you are receiving from this trial. Yes, it is worth it."

"Be strong." This said a thousand different things to me. This said, find hope, read your scriptures, build yourself up, talk to your Heavenly Father, strengthen your relationship with Christ, be the best supporter of your missionary. There is no reason for me not to be strong, when I have my angels lifting me up left and right.

If theres one thing I've learned recently, that is that it is okay to cry. It's okay to seek help from Heavenly Father. In fact, we should. In our trials, we need to seek our God and grow closer to him. If you're having a rough day, don't shut down; open yourself up to your loving Heavenly Father. He hears and answers all of our prayers. Yes, it is worth it. You can make it through, no matter what your trial is, when you have God on your side. Now, do your part, and be strong.

the library

I remember one of the days in December when we sat inside and played Super Mario Bros. We even tried sharing a remote once, which failed horribly and ended up with Mario running off a cliff. Even though we weren't doing anything too special, I felt like the happiest girl in the world in that moment, snuggled up to you on the couch and laughing at how bad we were at the game. Eventually, we got bored and decided to get out of the house. You drove me to the 7-11 at the mouth of the canyon where we got hot chocolate. Remember how many cops there were in that gas station? We felt so paranoid in there. And I think one even commented on how much creamer we put into our hot chocolates... you paid, and we got back in the car. While driving back to my grandma's house, you turned into the parking lot of the library. "I used to come here as a little kid," you told me with the biggest smile on your face. "I know it's kind of weird, but can we just go in there? I wanna see if it's still the same inside." Of course, I agreed, and you practically ran inside. You were so excited. You kept smiling every time you'd turn around, and you found all these books you had loved to read as a kid -- I loved that side of you. I loved seeing you in that moment, and hearing more about your past. I loved how passionate you were when you showed me your favorite books, and how we spent fifteen minutes searching (ironically) for the I Spy books. You let me walk around and take in all the books. You even listened to me as I rambled on and on about how in love with books I was -- I remember you would lean over and kiss me in the middle of my sentences. You let me wander through that whole library, and you never let go of my hand the entire time. I can't wait until I get to hold your hand every time I go to the library. I'm excited to stay up late reading books with you and maybe even checking out the I Spy books every once in a while. I'm just grateful that I have you, and that you're as big of a child on the inside as I am. Never let that part of you go -- I love that about you.

smile

Today, I found out I had won a national essay competition!! I was surprised, because my writing wasn't anything special, but I'm feeling so overwhelmed and extremely blessed to have been published!! :) Here it is. :)

I fell in love with people today. I fell in love with the way a person's eyes light up and their lips curl into a smile when they're speaking passionately about something. There was something lovely about the way the busy businessman stopped to wave and grin at me despite the moving city around us. Smiles seemed to be all over this morning — I was flattered when an elderly woman in the juice shop complimented my smile, and I wore it for the rest of the day.
The world can be portrayed as such a vile and corrupt place. However, one does not as often remember all the joyous things there are to balance out the wicked. Sure, our planet can be a place of degrading and destruction. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish what's right and what's wrong, to find the line between good and evil. But today, oh today! Today I found that line; it is the line of a smile, the gentle crescent on a human face. A simple smile can change so much — it can make the grouchy man tender, the new girl feel accepted, and the mourning feel a little less alone. The line of a smile is a remarkable thing; it can change a moment from sad to satisfying. So, dear reader, I challenge you today to wear a smile. If you had the power to change someone's day, would you? See what difference it makes for the people around you — but more importantly, you.

Mckensie Sims, Grade 12

Mililani High School, HI

Speed Bumps

When you send your love off for two years, you are going to be challenged. You will be tested, stretched, and endure trials you never knew you could endure. I call these "speed bumps." And yes, you will encounter many of them.

Here's some helpful reminders (according to Kensie):

1) No matter what, never lose hope.

There are going to be days where you don't want to go on -- days where two years is just too long. Some nights, all your friends will be out with their boyfriends, and you would kill to just be able to talk to your man on the phone. Just keep in mind that in a few years, you'll be getting hitched and all your friends will be super jealous of you. It's so close.

2) Don't ever ever ever get jealous.

If you know he's for you, don't question it. Because maybe, just maybe, some nights you will miss him so much, you Facebook stalk him and find all of his old prom pictures with different girls and you'll start to get oober jealous and sad. BUT DON'T YOU EVER DO THAT BECAUSE IF YOU KNOW YOU ARE MEANT FOR EACH OTHER, YOU ARE. Don't let the past interfere with how you feel now.

3) Write your feelings down.
It might seem silly, or even a little cliche. I know that keeping a blog seemed really stupid to me until I actually tried it. Writing down your feelings is so liberating -- it is such a release. And the best part about it? You're documenting your journey, so that in the future you can look back on this time and realized how much you grew.

4) Allow yourself to cry.
No, you're not being stupid. You are human, you have a lot of feelings, and your best friend is halfway across the world for a couple of years. Sometimes, that's going to make you cry. But most of the time, it'll be tears of joy. :) Allow yourself to feel what you are going to feel, and don't try and bottle up your emotions. Trust me, it's miserable.

5) Break it down -- never look at the whole two years.
This helps SO much. Do not count the days... I started off that way, and time basically stood still. I go by P-days. Every P-day is another week down :) and P-days always come around so fast. When you're going week by week, it speeds things up so much! But no matter what, don't look at it as the two whole years. It's just like running. A friend once told me to never look at the entire run; make small goals during your run. Make it to this tree, then keep going until you reach that fire hydrant, and so on and so on. But the most important thing I learned from that friend was to never look farther than halfway. If you look at the whole thing, you'll get overwhelmed and want to give up; when you make smaller goals, and work toward those, time will move faster than you could imagine.

6) Keep your friends close, but the Lord closer.
Friends are super awesome for when you want to turn on a chick flick and demolish a gallon of cookie dough ice cream. However, even when friends aren't around, our Savior is. Never forget that you are never alone, not in any trial, ever. He knows what you're going through. In fact, he knows every detail of your situation -- He's experiencing it with you. The Lord will never leave us as long as we turn to Him. Allow yourself to trust in Him and in His timing, and He will comfort you in ways you never imagined possible.

Well, that's all I have for tonight. OH, and I definitely didn't stalk Jake's Facebook page or have a High School Musical Marathon today. Or eat a molten lava cake from Chili's. (Don't judge me.) Anywho, P-day is tomorrow, I'm so excited! Another week down for me :) happy waiting!

P.S. This may or may not be one of Jake's pictures from his Facebook. Hahahaha. I miss him.

Goodbyes.

When I went to visit Jake in October, I only stayed for four days. The Monday when I left was the hardest goodbye I've ever had to say. But why?

Well, picture this. A cold October morning, Jake comes to pick me up from my grandma's house. We spent the whole day longboarding around his neighborhood and raking up leaves and jumping in the piles. We made pumpkin cookies and went grocery shopping and played guitar. He put on a scary movie just so I would snuggle up close to him and he would kiss me so I didn't have to watch the scary parts. He braided my hair, and we held hands everywhere we went. After six months of only talking on the phone, it felt so good to finally be by his side -- how in the world was I supposed to leave him?

Our goodbye was heartbreaking. We both cried, it was dramatic, he kissed me goodbye and I watched him leave. It was so hard for me, even though I knew I would see him again at Christmas. Why was it so hard to be away from him?

Christmas eventually rolled around, and I was back in his arms before I knew it. This time, we got to spend ten whole days together. We were both dreading the goodbye -- this one would be for the next two years.

Needless to say, the days went by way too quick. We went snowboarding and longboarded wherever it was dry. We made more cookies and had a food fight and kissed and danced. Every second I spent with him, I felt complete. It was the best ten days of my life. I fell more in love with everything about him, all his imperfect perfection. He is definitely my favorite human being.

The last night I was with him, we put on a movie and he held me tight. I don't even remember what movie we watched -- we talked the entire time. He told me repeatedly how much he loved me. He brushed out my tangled hair with his fingers, and braided it. I remember just feeling so lucky to be his, and so excited to be with him forever. At the end of the night, I walked him out to his car. He hugged me for what felt like an hour, kissed me, and said, "See you in two years, my princess." And he left.

After that, we got to talk on the phone for a month, but eventually he had to leave on his mission. So once again, we were faced with the obstacle of a goodbye. When we were on the phone for the last time, I had the most wonderful thought. "You're not leaving," I said. "You'll always be here, just in a different way." And he is. He's in every song, every happy thought, and every prayer. His letters sound like he never left... he's the same old goofball, just wearing a suit and tie. In one of the letters he wrote me, he said this:

"I'll often receive guidance and answers to prayers in the very scripture I read.  The cool part? The answers are YOU. I can't stop finding you in my patriarchal blessing, scriptures that once had absolutely no meaning to me, it's you :). I'm so indescribably happy that I was blessed with you... I LOVE YOU MCKENSIE. We were made for each other since before time began. I'm so happy you're mine and that i'm yours and that I get to spend my life and my eternity with you."

In a way, we're still with each other. He's always on my mind, and I know i'm on his too. I've finally figured out why the last goodbye was so easy: this is the last one. This is the final stretch, the last two years I'll ever have to be away from him. :) Heavenly Father has blessed both of us so much because we're spending this time away from each other. I've had angels sent to comfort me, I have no doubt about that. I am so blessed to have my sweet Jake, and I'm so grateful that he chose to serve a mission. Heavenly Father is teaching me so much about his love through Jake. I'll forever be grateful for that boy. :)

Side note:
If anyone is ever contemplating serving a mission because of a boyfriend or girlfriend, GO. I promise you, it's worth it. The blessings you'll receive because of it are incredible. You'll both have trials, but you'll be able to get through them together. Don't be discouraged about leaving someone behind -- it's only two years. It may seem long, but it's the Lord's timing, and if we choose to trust in it, he will bless us beyond measure. And from my experience so far, it's going pretty dang fast. Go on a mission.  Trust in the Lord's timing, because He ALWAYS knows what's best for us. :)

WATCH THIS :)

Okay, since I've been getting a lot of new readers lately, I wanted to put this video on here. If you don't know my story, watch this. it'll sum it up in 3 minutes. :)

http://youtube.com/watch?v=XCI0Jw_Tu_E

Sweetest letter I've ever gotten ❤️

Okay I know I've been posting A LOT of what Jake writes lately, but he is the sweetest and writes the most amazing things. So here's yet another cheesy letter from him.

I love Mondays so so much because I get to email Jake for a couple of minutes in the morning. Those minutes are always the happiest. :):) This week was extra sweet. He said:

"My dear sweet Mckensie,

Words cannot explain what I feel what I feel for you, my precious girl. You are absolutely everything to me, my love, my heart, my dearest princess. I love and cherish you more than life itself, and I would be an absolute mess if you weren't part of my life. Every day with out you, my heart longs more and more for you, but I know that this is the last time we have to be away from each other. Separation is temporary, but you and I are forever, no matter what. I admire you for who you are. For your strength, determination, spirituality, happy attitude, and everything that makes up who you are (I could go into details about everything that makes up who you are but that would be an infinite, never ending email, I'm not joking). Don't you ever forget that you are my sweet girl, you are everything near and dear to my heart, you give me a whole new reason to breathe and to be happy. You saved me. Kinda like Alma the Younger, "I was in the darkest abyss," and then my beautiful, perfect Mckensie comes along and pulls me out. My Kensington is more than just a pretty, talented, funny island girl. She's my angel, my hero. She saved me and continues to save me every day. She took a broken, sad, lost version of me, and fixed every shattered part, bandaged up every wound, loved every security, insecurity, issue, and imperfection that was in my power to possess and she turned me into the best person I could possibly be. She makes my mind race and my heart stop. She showed me a love that God knew I needed. One of the reasons I know so well of God and Christ's love for me, is because my sweet girl showed me just how much she truly cares, and how much they care."

He's amazing, I'm blessed, end of story.

The First Time We Met

Okay I was reading through the journal Jake gave me before he left and I CAN'T STOP SMILING.

He was writing about the first time we ever met when I surprised him at temple square. And it was pretty much the cutest/funniest thing I've ever read.

"I heard some quick footsteps on the walkway behind me and before I knew it, someone was hugging me from behind. Caught completely off guard, I looked at who was behind me. I heard a quiet, excited giggle from whomever it was, a giggle I recognized from months of calling and FaceTime, and then I looked over my shoulder where I saw a head of long, dark hair, a forehead, and a pair of hazy green eyes looking back up at me. "No. No way." I said. There was no way that the girl I had gone completely insane for, the girl of my dreams who I fell head over heels for was standing right behind me. I broke free of her embrace, a little scared to turn around to see if it was really her or not, but I had to look. I turned around where my eyes met hers, to see that my Mckensie Anna was standing right there looking at me with a great big smile on her face. I had already started to choke up when I first thought it could be her. Now that I was looking straight at her I couldn't hold it anymore. I wrapped her tight in my arms and buried my head into her shoulder as I started to cry a little bit. I couldn't believe I was actually holding her and that she was with me. I never wanted to let go of her. After what felt like hours, I finally pulled away, looked right into her eyes and told her I loved her and kissed her. All in front of her dad. It kinda made me feel like a Bad-A, but not really because she made me cry. We stayed at temple square for a bit and took some more pictures of us. I even hugged her dad. I kinda felt like hugging the whole world because I was so happy."

Hahahahaha he's so cute. I love him.

Why Wait?

"It's TWO YEARS. Do you really think you could possibly wait that long?"

This is an example of a question I get asked daily about why I'm waiting for a missionary.
Let me explain something. If Jake was just a guy I thought was cute, or someone who it MIGHT work with, I wouldn't be waiting for him.
No, actually, Jake is THE guy. I've been hooked on him since the first time we talked, and I couldn't possibly let go. Now that I know what it's like to be loved unconditionally by someone I love unconditionally back, I never want to throw that away. I love every single thing about Jake. To put it simply, I just don't want to be with anybody else for the rest of eternity.

But if that's not enough for you, let me take you back to the moment I decided to wait.

December 27th, 2013
Jake took me to temple square today. We went on a double date with Taylor and his lady and Eric fifth wheeled with us. It was so much fun. :) I was having such a good time with my friends and was so in love with Jake. He took me to see the dizzy tree and bought me hot chocolate and he held my hand like he was proud of it. I was so happy to be with him. 
About an hour into our date Jake started to seem a little uneasy. He pulled me to the side and asked me if he could talk to me for a minute. I agreed eagerly, hoping to figure out what was wrong. We left our friends, and Jake led me to this beautiful, secluded spot right next to the visitors center. He turned me to face him, grabbed both of my hands in his, and looked me in the eyes (I absolutely love it when he does that). He said, "Mckensie, I need you to know something. I am so madly in love with you, and that's why I need to do this." Then I felt him slip something on my finger. I looked down and saw the most beautiful ring sitting on my left hand. "WHAT??" I gasped. I grabbed his face and looked into both his eyes to see if he was serious. He smiled his perfect little smile and pulled me in close and kissed me. When he pulled away he said, "Mckensie, I never want to spend a day of my life without you, but I'm about to go serve the Lord for two years. I want you to know that I will come back for you. I will, I promise you. You are the only thing I want in life. I promise to love you unconditionally until the end of time and beyond. I promise you that my heart will always be yours. I will forever treat you like a princess, because thats what you are. Heavenly Father trusted me with his little girl and I will not let him down. I'm going to come back in two years and propose to you for real, then marry your face off and keep you forever. I love you, Mckensie Anna, and this is my promise to you."
I teared up and was lost for words. This was the last thing I had expected... but I realized it was the only thing I had wanted. I couldn't be with anyone else. Jake and I had something that very few people are lucky enough to have -- unconditional, perfect, true love. There's no way I would let him go. Not now, not in two years, not ever.
"Jake." I stepped back so he could see me clearly. "Now I need to tell you a few things." I made him sit down on a bench with me, then grabbed his hands again. "I promise you I'm going to wait. I love you so much, I couldn't possibly do anything else. I promise you to always love you and to stay strong. I'm not going anywhere. I love you so much." I hugged him tight, kissed his cheeks, then kissed him right on the mouth.
We sat on that bench and laughed together and held hands. I couldn't believe how overjoyed I was. We were really going to be together forever. I was so amazed at the fact that I had such an incredible boyfriend, and how it had all come together. I know Heavenly Father had a plan for us from the start, and I'm excited to see what the future holds. :)"

That's why I will wait. I'm waiting because I'm absolutely in love with him. I'm waiting because I can't imagine a day in my life without him. I'm waiting because true love can make it through anything. I love him so so soooo much. :)

Today, you were here.

Today, Jake was with me. Maybe not physically, but he was here comforting me. I wrote to him:

Dear Jake,

I had a huge presentation this morning. I've been working for seven months on this project, and this presentation decided if I would pass the project. This presentation decided if all my hard work was worth it or not. I would present to a board of judges who would grade me with a very strict grading scale and I had to dress in "business attire" and all that jazz. Translation: this was very serious and I was extremely nervous.

I've been rehearsing all week. I've gone over my presentation countless times, and my poor dad has heard different versions of it all week long. Basically, I thought I had it down, and that I had perfected it -- but when I got there this morning, my mind blanked.

We were given five minutes to go in and set up. I walked into the room in my oh-so-sophisticated outfit with my hair pulled back so I wouldn't play with it. I hooked up my laptop to the projector, and my screensaver was projected onto the screen -- it's that picture of us sitting on a bench.

My back was turned to the screen, so I didn't even know it was up there until I heard various awww's and whistles from my student audience.

I didn't know I could turn such a dark shade of red.

There I am, standing in a room full of people I'm trying to impress. I no longer look so sophisticated with my red face and my typical-teenage-girl wallpaper. I was feeling so unprepared despite my countless hours of both rehearsing and praying.

One of the judges said, "You have ten minutes. You may begin when you're ready." But I wasn't ready. I was nervous. I was humiliated. I wanted a hug. I wanted you.

And that's when it came to me. "Pretend like he's here," I thought. "Pretend like Jake's up here with you holding your hand."

I started to talk. I forgot everything I was nervous about. I just spoke as calmly as I would have if you were there. And you WERE. You were there the whole time, whispering to me that it would be alright, it was just a presentation, and I could do it.

Jake, I passed with flying colors. Seriously, I have never had anything go so smoothly for me. My presentation was great, and I was calm. And it was all because of you. Heavenly Father comforted me with thoughts of you, and i'm sure He knew what He was doing.

I have this theory. I believe that at some point in our lives, we all come in contact with angels. Those angels can be Heavenly messengers, personages of light, or people sent to help us. My angel just happens to be a six-foot, curly-haired wonderful boy who comforts me more than I ever thought was possible. I love you so much Jake. So much. Thanks for being there even when you couldn't be. I love you infinitely. :)

Love, yours always, Mckensie

Patience is a Heavenly Virtue

Two years.

That's 24 months, 104 weeks, 730 days, 17,520 hours. All that time is spent with my other half 4,000 miles away from me.

It has been nineteen days since Jake started his adventure, and he is doing amazing things already. I knew that sweet, compassionate Jake would make an excellent missionary; it seems I have underestimated him. My sweet Elder Rasmussen has gone above and beyond. I'm amazed at his progress and incredible success in just nineteen short days. I can't wait to see what he can do in 730!!

I could not possibly express my joy for him in words. Jake is so happy and he knows he's where he's supposed to be. I know with all of my heart that he is doing the right thing. I wouldn't want him to be doing anything else. :)

Today, however, was a rather challenging day for me. In spite of my happiness and gratitude for his service, it is extremely difficult to be separated from him for so long. The only thing I wanted to do on this rainy day was stay in and watch all of our favorite movies together and snuggle and drink hot chocolate. However, since he is so far away, I decided to instead do a little research on the topic of patience.

While going through my first month of being a missionary girlfriend, I've had so many inspiring little quotes thrown at me that I've considered stitching onto a throw pillow; phrases like, "happiness is a journey, not a destination," and "good things come to those who wait." Don't get me wrong, I love the fancy quotes -- I couldn't get by without a little motivation. But between the cheesy packages and love letters and blogging, I've come to realize that this journey is about so much more about just waiting. It's about becoming.

Tonight, I came across the comforting words of President Uchtdorf in his talk, "Continue in Patience." Two things really stuck out to me:

1) Waiting can be hard. Waiting IS hard. But "the lessons we learn from patience will cultivate our character, lift our lives, and heighten our happiness." Waiting for a missionary shapes you in ways that you wouldn't expect. Obviously, you don't get to text him, and you can't hold his hand and go on dates whenever you want. The thing that I'm struggling with the most is coming home after a long, difficult day and not being able to call him. But instead, I get to write! Sure, it's a week until I get to hear back from him. I'm learning to love him in a different way. Since patience is a heavenly virtue, it is a quality we need to develop to become like our Heavenly Father. In this big, moving, industrial world of ours, it's hard to be patient; Sometimes it's hard to remember that there's more to this life than just now. "Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter. Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace."

2) He goes on to say, "It is my prayer that patience will be a defining characteristic of [us]; that we will courageously trust the Lord’s promises and His timing; that we will act toward others with the patience and compassion we seek for ourselves; and that we will continue in patience until we are perfected." The Lord knew what he was doing when he paired me up with a boy who still had to serve a mission. He knew that I needed to develop patience. But instead of sitting around and counting the hours until he's back with me again, I need to focus on my life here. I can work now to build my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I can prepare to become the best wife and mother that I could possibly be. I love how President Uchtdorf mentions how we can "act toward others with the patience and compassion we seek for ourselves." When you lose yourself in service, time really flies! And that's not a bad way to pass the time, either. :) 

I know God has a plan for me, and he has a reason for everything he does. I'm learning to trust the journey even when I do not understand it. He truly loves each one of us, and He knows what's best for us all. I love this gospel, I love my sweet missionary, and I love my Heavenly Father who's helping me develop patience. :)

Missing you.

I miss you terribly. I miss you a little more and a little less with each new day. More, because every second without you by my side only reminds me of how incomplete I am without you. And less, because every day spent without you is only one day closer until you're playing with my hair and singing to me again. I can't wait until I can spend every second by your side, cooking for you and caring for you and knowing that I'm yours forever. I'm excited to roll over and wake you up with kisses and make chocolate chip pancakes together. I can't wait until you're my running buddy. And most of all, I'm excited for the rainy days when we just stay in bed and read side by side. I think it's safe to say I'm very excited for our forever. ❤️

Cookie Dough

I remember a solemn day

In December we were

Craving cookies and each other.

And naturally, making cookies

Required us to make a 

Filthy mess of one another 

You threw flour in my hair,

And your face got pasty white,

And so I kissed it off of you

We laughed and joked and

Danced to music that you 

Knew every single word to.

When the dough was ready

To cook in the oven, I proposed

Question unsettled in my head:

"Why make cookies when

You have cookie dough 

To happily enjoy instead?"

You grabbed my hand and

Spun me around, dipped me,

Kissed me and said so kind:

"My darling, this is why

You and I are meant to be.

You effortlessly speak my mind."

I smiled, and you smiled

That crooked smile of yours

That send my heart beating

And for the rest of the night

We sat on the cold floor

Snuggling close and eating

Cookie dough.

{12-28-13}

My first P-Day! *celebration emoji*

Today COMPLETELY changed my outlook on these next two years.
I don't know what I was expecting.
I think I was somehow expecting Jake to email me telling me how much he loves and misses me and whatnot. And in a way he did. He stared the email off with "HI MY SWEET GIRL :):):)". He's such a wonderful human. But anyways, that was about as cheesy as it got.
Jake was in FULL missionary mode. It took me by total surprise, and made me the most proud girlfriend in the entire world. :):)
I was so preoccupied with worrying about him being worried or anxious or sad that I was not prepared for what he said to me.
He shared an experience that him and his companion had with an investigator. I'm going to change the name for privacy reasons. :)
This is what he said:

"So we have what's called a TRC investigator (teaching resource center). These are people who come in to the MTC and let the missionaries teach them. they're either real investigators or they're recent converts who are roleplaying their story as the missionaries teach them. so we don't know which investigators are members or not so we really have to treat it like the real deal. our investigator's name is Sam. he's samoan and he moved from California. our first visit with him on monday, he was really rude to us. he let us in for ten minutes while we taught him about how much God and Jesus Christ love him, and that any sorrows and pains and guilt he feels in his life can be swept away through repentance because of the atonement. he hates Utah. the only reason he's here is because he's living with his best friend. he feels like everyone here judges him because he's not mormon and everyone just shoves religion down his throat. he kept asking us why we even cared and kept telling us to leave. eventually it got to the point where i got a little frustrated, the spirit said to me "be bold" and i yelled out, "SAM I CARE ABOUT YOU WHETHER YOU ACCEPT IT OR NOT. nobody, especially you, should have to go through this life sad and sorry. i don't care if you're mormon, i don't even care if you don't get baptized and you kick us out, as long as it makes your life happy. that's all i care about."

well.... he started crying and opened up about something that happened in his life. a year ago, he was living with his family when he found out his little brother was gay. Sam and his brother got into a huge fight and Sam ended up telling his brother that he was better off killing himself, so his brother got a gun and killed himself right in front of Sam. after he told us the story, he ran out of the room, dried his face off, came back and said, "I think you'd better leave." so we got up and just as we were about to leave he started crying again and sincerely asked, "seriously. why do you care?" so i lost it. i started bawling and ran over and hugged him, both of us just sitting there hugging it out and crying.

To shorten the story, he let us come back the next day. we've had some crazy stories with him since then. it's been fun getting to know him!!!"

I am so impressed with Jake. I knew he was going to be a great missionary, but I didn't know just how great. He is so amazing. I am just absolutely blown away by him!!!

I got so much out of this story. Those of us who have the gospel sometimes don't realize what we really have. Because we've been blessed with the truth, we have an obligation to share the hope of the gospel with those who need it. There are so many people in the world who suffer every day in many ways. And we have a way to give them hope. We're all missionaries. We all have the potential to change someone's life. So take a risk, and lets all find a Sam. :)

One Day at a Time.

This week was a paradox. It was the fastest yet the slowest week of my whole life. On one hand, I can't believe it's already been a week. I think not talking to him every day has really helped. Before, I would wait until the next morning to talk to him; now, I have to wait a week in between every time I get to talk to him. Although some days seemed to drag by, they still went by. And that gives me so much hope. :) On the other hand, there's still 103 weeks left... I remember when there were that many days left until I got to meet Jake for the first time. Time seemed to move so slowly back then. Now, it's been four months since I met my sweet boy. I can't believe how fast it came and went!! And I know that these two years will go the same way. 

Time is going to pass anyway. I need to be as productive as I can for these next two years, and focus on building myself to be the best I can be. :) 

I know that Jake's doing the right thing. I wouldn't marry him if he was any less dedicated to what he believes in. :) He's such an inspiration to me. He's my hero. And I'm so excited I get to experience this journey by his side. Good grief I love him so much. :):):)

Words from Jake.

So there's this thing I do where I really struggle putting my feelings into words. But, lucky for me, my sweet Jake was blessed with the ability to write. He sent me this today, and I just had to post it because it nails my thoughts exactly (he's really good at doing that).  

"Sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'm on your mind as much as you're on mine. Even when I turn my focus to other things, you're still in my head somehow. Everything I do leaves my mind crawling its way back to you, because I can't wait till everything I do is with you by my side. You've been on my mind since day one, constantly reminding me of the man I need to become, reminding me of how beautiful you are, reminding me of how much I absolutely need you. No matter how hard I tried, I could never get you out of my head. But that's the thing, I don't ever want you to leave. I was made for you. All of me was made for you. My mind was made to think of ways I could paint a smile the entire way across your face, to think about how I can make you happy and bless your life. I was made to be the best I can be, but not for me. For you. My mind has set it's course for what I need. My sights are on eternity... Eternity with you. There are endless possibilities, endless amounts of actions and ideas and words that I can conjure up to make you as happy as you can possibly be, an endless amount of love that I am here to give you. All of that is what I live for, it's all I can think about. Your beauty, your intelligence, your smile, your spirituality. My mind picks its way through the parts that make up who you are, loving and being thankful for each individual detail that makes up you. It's as though my mind has a mind of its own, and it craves everything about you. Everything about me craves everything about you. I long to be where you are, to love you and be loved by you. I didn't think I'd be able to go a whole month of thinking like this. But it persisted. Two, three, four months gone by and I couldn't stop thinking about you. We have something special, that's probably the longest I've thought about anything before. I'm not a thinker. Little did I know that five, six, seven months would come and go. Seven months of thoughts of you. So will it ever stop? Is this what happens to everyone who finds true, lasting love?? No. It doesn't happen to everyone. If it did, it wouldn't stop for anyone. Nobody would fight, divorce, lose things they don't want to. Our love isn't something that can be degraded by any force ever to exist. It's too strong for that. We aren't "just another love story." Our love strong enough to last whatever time is needed to get back to you, it's strong enough that it will grow endlessly into the eternities, strong enough that I know for a fact that you won't leave my mind for the rest of my existence. I can't be with anyone else, because you'd still be there. It's not something I can control, but it's something my whole frame yearns to feel. Thoughts of you?? They'll never leave. And I have absolutely no problem with that. The only question left, I guess, is if I'm on your mind as much as you're on mine?"

SEE WHAT I MEAN? He's freaking amazing. And the answer, of course, is yes. He is my every thought, behind every action, the purpose of everything I do. He consumes my thoughts just as I consume his. He's right, this love is different. It's real, true love; the kind that not time, distance, or anything else that could ever happen. This is definitely a forever kind of thing. ❤️

The Whole Fam Damily

I can't get over what my mom said to me earlier.

I was sitting at the computer printing out pictures for my journal cover. My mom was in the room behind me, ironing. She could see the computer screen from over my shoulder. When she saw me add a couple (and by a couple, I mean 18) pictures of Jake, she started talking about how much she adores him. Then she said something really great.

"You know, ever since we got back to Hawaii, it felt like something was missing. I miss having lots of kids around, and being with family, but that's not it. But then, I realized -- OH! Jake's not here. I miss Jake. He was just so much fun to be around; I can't wait until he's around all the time."

My mom has always said she loved Jake and truly hopes we end up together. But today was the first time I knew that she was as confident as I am about Jake and I getting married. It's really great to know my family adores him almost as much as I do. 

On top of winning my mom over, Jake has also become the first boy that my dad has ever liked. Ever. Except my dad doesn't just like Jake -- he loves him. And don't even get me started with my little brother. Jake and Eric finally met for the first time about three weeks ago, and to greet him, Jake ran up to Eric, jumped into his arms, and said "HEEELLO ERIC." They acted like old friends, and Jake took the top seat on my brothers list of his favorite humans. 

My sweet Jake managed to win my entire family over. And there was no act involved; he didn't try to cover who he was. When he was over at my Grandma's house for family gatherings, he would play with all of the kids. (And of course, they all love him. Even Luke loves him. Luke doesn't even like me!!!) In fact, a lot of our time was spent playing the wii with my little cousins.

(Jake, Lexi, and Whit playing Super Mario Bros.)

He was polite but funny. Everyone loved his sense of humor -- the adults liked him just as much as the kids. He didn't even have to try with my grandma. The first time my grandma shook his hand, she ran around the house yelling, "He's the one! He's the one! Kensie is going to marry him!" It was pretty great.

It's just amazing to me how well he fits in to the family. And honestly, I feel so comfortable with his family. They are some of the best people I've ever met. Goodness, don't even get me started with his family because I'll rant on for another 20 minutes about why they're so amazing. I'm just so grateful for how perfectly everything is working out. It makes waiting a lot easier when you know it's meant to be. :) 💚

Tonight, my mom told me one more thing that really made me happy. She was looking at a picture of me and Jake standing in front of the temple, and she said, "You two look so happy. I can see eternity in your eyes."

I can't imagine being with him any other amount of time than for forever. ❤️

Music.

I can't listen to a single song without thinking about you.
(Well, I can't really do ANYTHING without thinking of you, but that's for another time.)

You're in every song. I can't listen to music without thinking of you because it's either:
A) A song we used to sing out loud together in your car, or with your guitar in your basement
B) A funny song I know we would laugh at together
C) A song that I know you would love just like I do
or
D) The lyrics.
I find that the lyrics really get to me. I hear musicians putting my feelings into words, and it kind of scares me. Sometimes, I'll hear a song that describes our relationship so accurately, I feel like someone is following me around and writing songs about my life.

I'm never sad when I think of you though. I just smile, because I know that one day I can share all of the songs with you.

Earlier today, I had my iPod on shuffle, and it played three of our songs in a row. I drove around town with the windows down in absolute bliss.

You know, I thought this would be a lot harder. But I'm okay. In fact, I'm better than okay. I'm doing better than I ever have. I'm growing so much just by missing you. And for whatever reason, I have been blessed with so much comfort and peace in the times that I really need it.

I'm grateful for you. I love that I hear you in music, and see you everywhere I go. I don't miss you as much as I'm just so excited to be with you forever. And I know that we will make it. 

We're not just going to endure these next two years. We're going to DESTROY these next two years. :)