dating while waiting

Let me just say something before I start -- finding the balance between "the crazy girl who doesn't date anyone while her missionary is gone" and "the player girl who dates a lot of boys while her missionary is gone" is impossible. You can't please everybody :) so choose what's best for YOU.

When my missionary left two years ago, I swore to myself I would never even look at other boys. I was 100% ready to buckle down and wait and not date for two whole years. I made it quite a ways... and then started college, where I was heavily encouraged to date. After a lot of inner conflict, I finally decided that life didn't just stop because he was gone. So, I decided to date.

Jake is home now. I have never been so happy in my entire life!!! As I have been pondering and reflecting on the past two years, a lot of people have asked me if I regret dating around while I was writing a guy as amazing as Jake.

The answer is no. I wouldn't change anything about the last two years. The friendships I have made and the experiences I had have shaped me into who I am.

I did date. I dated a lot in college and even had a really serious relationship toward the end. But that did not change how I felt about Jake one bit. I never loved him less. I never stopped missing him. And that was something I realized toward the very end -- there was absolutely nobody like him. As the two years came to a close, I was happy to spend the last few months just "waiting" because I realized something very important: There is nobody else in this world like my Jake. And he was everything I wanted.

I was honest with Jake. And I'm happy I was. He loved and supported me through it all. He wrote me every week regardless of whether I was dating at the time or not. He kept reassuring me, saying he knew things would eventually work out in his favor. :) (At the time, I thought it was a funny he would say such a thing, but now I realize that he truly KNEW all along that we would end up together.)

This part is really crucial: It's different for e v e r y b o d y. No two stories are exactly the same. But I PROMISE you, whatever your trial, Heavenly Father is waiting with open arms ready to help comfort and give answers. My Heavenly Father was so patient with me as I tried desperately to figure my life out, and continues to be just as patient and loving towards me.

I'm extremely grateful that I had awesome parents/roommates who let me cry to them when missing Jake was just too much. I'm grateful for a loving Father in Heaven who was ever so patient while I talked His ear off about my feelings. And last but NOT LEAST :) I'm grateful for my amazing Jake who never ever gave up on me, even though at times he probably was close. He's so patient and kind and I don't know what I did to deserve it. :)

So that's my two cents. It's two years later and a wedding is in the near future. ;) Don't worry, they come back. They come back FAST and it's the most amazing feeling in the world. Whether you end up with your missionary or not, just know Heavenly Father has a perfect plan for each of us. Be patient with yourself and trust in God as your story unfolds. :)

half of a whole

true love: loving someone who you find pieces of yourself in -- loving someone so much that forever couldn't be nearly long enough -- loving someone so much that time and distance means nothing -- loving someone that isn't perfect to the world but is perfect to you in every way possible -- loving someone so completely, irrevocably, perfectly, and unconditionally that nothing would ever tear you two apart.

i've been lonely. there are some nights that i can't even remember what jake's eyes look like or how it feels when he hugs me from behind, and that makes me feel very lonely. what i've learned, however, is that my heart doesn't have room for other boys. while i stumbled around, looking for justification, maybe someone to make me feel less lonely, i realized why the feeling couldn't go away. jake is more myself than i am -- no other person could ever replace him, or even come close. he's my best friend and i miss HIM. i don't miss having a boyfriend or being hugged or having someone to take me to the movies. i miss my best friend, and that's that.

missionary girlfriends have it really rough. the truth of it is, it's HARD. having your other half leave for two whole years is not easy. you will meet other people who will catch your eye, and you may even be proposed to once or twice. but it's up to you to decide what you do. and after trying to decide for months where i stand, i have decided once and for all that i'm over the dating scene. what's the point of awkward first dates if you're already in love?

jake is part of who i am. and i'm not codependent or clingy, that's just the facts. jake defines me because he's half of me. i have proof of it, too -- the way my fingers fit perfectly in between his, or the fact that his shoulder IS in fact the most comfortable place in the world to sleep, or how to kiss him he has to bend down and i have to look up and somewhere in the middle we meet and we fit. we fit perfectly -- two halves of a whole.

new year, same guy

Again, I'm so sorry. I really suck at keeping up with a blog.

It's almost been eleven months since Jake has been on his mission, and exactly a year since I've seen him. I miss him so much. I love him MORE THAN EVER. I am learning to love him in so many different ways, and our relationship has matured exponentially since he left.

Our relationship was never ever a bad thing. Jake and I have never fought or had any problems (I know, I got really lucky). Don't get me wrong -- we're both imperfect people and we're both human -- we've made mistakes. But never has our relationship been bad. We have both matured so much over this last year, and it's just amazing to watch as the whole dynamic of our relationship has changed, yet the love hasn't.

My first semester of college has come and gone, along with all the college boys. I did date around a little, and even ended up dating one guy for a while -- but only a short while. Why? Because once I screwed my head on straight, I realized I didn't want to ever be with anyone else besides my sweet Jake. Do I regret dating in college? Certainly not. I truly believe it helped me stay sane. It built me up and showed me my own strengths (and unfortunately, my weaknesses) -- I got to know myself better. I learned a lot. But most of all, dating helped me realize the things I love and appreciate most in Jake. I didn't realize that some of the things that Jake does for me are things that no other boy would ever do. I love him so much. He really is my best friend and I never want to be with anyone else.

That's the best part about falling in love with someone. If you love them the right way, you will never be alone. You always share your problems with them, and their problems become yours as well. You have a best friend by your side NO MATTER WHAT. Love, if it is true, is unconditional, wonderful, and such a blessing. I love being in love.

Last year I was sitting side by side with Jake on his living room couch playing scrabble on his moms iPad. I remember last year so well. He was playing with my hair and sneaking in kisses when his family wasn't paying attention. He lent me some of his (mismatched) socks because my feet were freezing. We sat as close together as we could. We had football on the TV and the Christmas tree lit -- it was so cozy. Five minutes to midnight, we went outside and banged on pots and pans and I got my new year's kiss (even in front of his parents!!) and it was just so much fun. I can't wait for more new year's eves like that one.

Yeah, so anyways. I guess my New Year's resolution would be to be a better girlfriend. I feel so inadequate having a guy like Jake to keep up with -- he makes me feel like the most special girl in the world. I love him to pieces. I'm going to be more consistent with my letters and emails, try harder to show him how much I love him, and (obviously) not date. Hehe :) I love my sweet boy. I started this year with him, and I'm ending it with him -- how happy is that?? And I plan on starting and ending every single year with him for the rest of my life. <3

These three pictures sum up our entire relationship:

eight months, two weeks

Hi. I'm ashamed of myself. Blogging should not be this hard.

I'm in college now! It's a fun time. I have made so many friends and gone on so many adventures. It's the greatest. If you want a good college experience, seriously consider BYU-Hawaii. I can't even begin to tell how great it is to be here. You get to surf, swim with sea turtles and dolphins and stingrays and ALLLL kinds of sea creatures, jump off of really tall rocks, sleep on the beach, go to bonfires, but most of all, meet some really freaking awesome people. On top of all that, the temple is only about 200 feet away and you can go whenever you want. Life here is totally rad.

Here's a turtle.

Anyway.

I kind of wish I could go back and delete some of my previous posts. I have a completely different mindset now than I did four months ago. I have been dating, and I now see WHY everyone tells you to date. You can't hole up and be miserable for two years!! Dating can help you develop yourself, work on your shortcomings and improve your strengths.
Sorry if I sound totally bipolar-crazy-psycho. I think I'm just a little more reasonable now than I was at the beginning of Jake's mission. :)

Don't get me wrong -- I'm still just as in love with Jake as I was eight months and two weeks ago. Actually, that's a lie. I love him 100000x more now. Here's the deal: he's changing a lot and so am I. It doesn't mean that I love him any less or that he loves me any less, it just means that we're learning to love each other in different ways.

I'm taking a class called "Achieving Eternal Marriage." Laugh all you want, but it's a darn good class. ;) While my professor was lecturing on how to choose an eternal companion, how to know when you've found the right one -- I couldn't stop thinking of Jake. I know he's the right one for me. He rocks.

These last three months I've dated, I've been (informally) proposed to, I've hung out with a lot of guys, but nobody even comes close to my Jake. I miss him so much, but I know the wait will be worth it. :) 15 months to go!

update: 5 months going strong!

I realized that in the past month I have completely neglected my blog. And to the handful of people who actually read my blog -- I'm terribly sorry. Life in Utah has been crazy busy! I'm working full time, taking online classes, and training for a half marathon next month. Sheesh. Being a grown-up sucks.

Let me just start by saying IGNORE MY LAST POST COMPLETELY. I was hormonal, I had just got done watching the notebook and wanted someone to love me. hehe :) I am doing amazing. Waiting is honestly the hardest thing I've ever done, but it's also a piece of cake. My very loving heavenly father is blessing me more than ever. I am simply in love with life! Jake and I have strengthened our relationship leaps and bounds already. I absolutely love him with all of my heart, and I forever will.

I check the mail twice a day. It's a horrible, horrible habit. But once a week, usually between Thursday and Saturday, a handwritten letter makes it's way from San Antonio to my mailbox, and I get to sit out on the porch and just soak in his words. And that is enough. I used to be so worried that I would fall "out of love" with Jake because our only communication is through letters and emails. Oh, how wrong I was. I have only managed to fall deeper in love with the Christlike, wonderful man he is.

The transformation that I have seen Jake go through in less than 5 months is absolutely incredible. He is the most selfless, loving person. He's so strong. I am amazed at the man he is becoming. He exemplifies Christ in everything he does. Every time I'm upset or have a problem, he finds a scripture or something that makes me feel completely better. I am so lucky to have him!

asdfhhkalamgsk (my feelings)

Okay I honestly don't know if anyone even reads my blog, but I need to vent somewhere. I seriously have no one to talk to right now.

People are pushing me left and right to date around. And I miss Jake really bad. I honestly want him here so bad right now so he could comfort me and tell me I don't have to listen to anyone's opinion. Seriously though, I just curled up in a ball and cried. Hahaha I'm such a baby. I really really REALLY wish it was 2016. I miss having my hand held and being kissed but I know I wouldn't feel comfortable or even want to do that with anyone else.

I really miss my Jake.

one day

one day you will meet somebody

and fall in love with the way they walk,

how their eyes light up when they're happy

and how they speak your name

one day you will find someone so unlike

everyone else that's come before

you'll be afraid to start things because

you never want them to end

one day you'll spend hours talking 

about anything, nothing, and everything,

and out of nowhere, you will realize

that you have completely fallen for him 

one day there's going to be the 

perfect first kiss, the long silences 

on phone calls, ten minute hugs, and

whispered late night conversations

one day you're going to be half asleep

on his couch and you'll hear him

lean down and softly whisper those

three words for the thousandth time 

and one day, you will come to know

that you don't want to spend your

forever with anybody else. it will

happen, I promise

and there is nothing more wonderful.